I have been working at living a life where I manage my PTSD well. That is code for I try not to let it interrupt everything do. It has only been a couple of years that I have been convinced I can not cure my PTSD… and not for lack of trying. It can not be cured, the symptoms have to be managed.
I know this logically so then why do I torture myself with looking at family pictures on Facebook. I have been feeling down for a little while. My therapist moved away in February, I changed jobs sites in May and my doggie of 12.5 years passed away in June.
It makes sense that I would have a flare up if my world changed so much, I understand that part. But why would I add salt to the wound by looking at my brothers website when he is one of my perpetrators. From there I looked a couple more sites one which included a picture of my father. He looks old and frail nothing like the monster I remember. Family news states he is not remembering much of anything these days. Society tells me I should feel bad for him. Part of me wants to feel anything but hatred when I look at him.
So I guess the alternative is to look at Facebook and long for what I never had. I know better but sometimes I am still very much that little girl wanting to be loved. Sometimes i feel I have been shown this lesson a million times. The part of me that holds out some shred of hope is much smaller than it used to be and yet it’s power can be so debilitating.
No more facebook today Tomorrow will be better.