I notice little things….

Changes make me feel unsafe in the world no matter what. I tried to think of another ending for that sentence but the truth is big changes or  little changes make me feel unsafe in the world. I recently changed job sites and realized my PTSD makes change much more complicated. I have begun to realize how much I notice all of the little things in an attempt to feel like I have some control over my environment.

I am noticing  every sensory interaction that I had incorporated in my day to make myself feel safe.  Sounds of shoes walking in the hall, voices in the waiting room, smells of different colognes on different clients, location of safe spaces in the building, what raised voices to be concerned about and which ones not to…..I knew what to expect when I got out of my car and the sounds and sights on the walk into the building. The smell of the coffee in the waiting area, the demeanor of the three secretaries which can make or break your day. So change location, building, people, smells, sights, sounds,  temperature and there a million new sensory interactions to learn before feeling safe again.

Most would say it is not a big deal. I am doing the same work in a different location. Actually it is a much slower paced office and I should be happy. And I would be if I could feel safe in my skin. I would tell my client it will just take time. UGH! the one thing worse than change is waiting!

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About maggiejay64

I am a 51 year old woman, who lives in NY state. I received my MSW in May 2013. I have worked with people with developmental disabilities for most of my life. I love working with this population and have learned countless lessons from the people with whom I have been privileged to work. In Jan 2014 I received my LMSW and am currently working at a counselor in a Outpatient substance abuse facility. One of my greatest challenges in life is the fact that I lived through incest and the hell that followed. It took forty some years but today I can say I have come out on the other side..... mostly intact.
This entry was posted in c-ptsd, childhood trauma, complex ptsd, healing from childhood sexual abuse, incest, mental health, mental illness, ptsd, sexual abuse, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I notice little things….

  1. “Most would say it is not a big deal.” Most would, but I don’t. I get it. The way you explained it defined it so well by putting words on some of the ‘whys.’ I hope you find comfort very soon…

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    change is hard for me too. waiting for things to settle can be painful. sending you some hugs if you need them. xo

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