For the last week and a half I have been dealing with a “bad bout” of my PTSD. Most times I can use logic and reason and remember that I will be okay.
A bad bout is different. In a bad bout, my brain freezes on scared and I can not access the part of my brain where safety lives. I am afraid of everyone and everything. My brain does not allow me the comfort of understanding or caring from others. People I love are there but inside I am unable to discriminate between them and a perfect stranger.
My body becomes numb to all touch, even my own, no comfort seeps through.
I shut down inside and go through the motions on the outside. Well I mostly go through the motions. I did fall asleep while my nieces where here. I could not help it. I just needed my mind to shut down. This is extreme for me.
Of course any new input comes in cloaked in fear instead of reason. So when my sister posts about my brother being a saint, I wonder. Maybe ignoring what happened was the way to go, she still has our family in her life. I chose truth and it cost me my family. When my logic is working I am able to know I am much better off today because I am working through my issue and they remain in denial. But that message is so far out of reach right now. First I need to feel safe in my skin then I can apply logic to my wounds and regain my strength.
Thankfully the fear is starting to lift, ever so slowly. So, so slowly.
Maybe tomorrow I will be able to see more clearly. Maybe i will find that place in my mind where safety lives.